Thursday, March 19, 2015

Year 1

It's already been one year since the worst, most gut wrenching day of my life occurred. 
One year since life changed. 
Since it all came crashing down. 
The "thing" we all knew was coming.....actually happened. 

Year One has been a roller coaster of emotions that has come in many waves. 

Never knowing from one week or one day to the next what you will feel and why is hard.

Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it's overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim. 

Time heals? So Time hasn't healed anything. It's flown by but it hasn't helped. The Year of firsts was grueling. I don't visit her grave much at all. I feel bad for that, but I don't feel close to her there. In fact I feel extremely far away from her and lonely when I am there. It's not a place of comfort or closure for me at all. I feel the most close to her when I am using the cookbook she made for me to make dinner. When I am holding my sweet little boy in my arms. Seeing her smiling face in the picture of her on my mantle. I feel so close to her when I am preparing to have our whole family over for Easter or Christmas. I know she is with me always. I am who I am because of her. And because of that I carry her with me each and everyday.

It's been one year exactly to the hour that I took this picture. Since I sat there staring at her face. Knowing time was short. One year since I left that afternoon planning to come back the next morning to spend more time with her......that next morning never came. It's been a year of roller coaster emotions. Time hasn't help as people always say it will. In fact it seems to make it worse during that year of first without her. I try each day to make her proud. To follow in her incredibly big footsteps. I still think of her smile and catch myself wanting to pick up the phone to call her. Everything reminds me of her. She'll be missed every day for the rest of my life. Rest easy grandma we are trudging through. Day by day. I know you'll be waiting on me.

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