Thursday, January 17, 2013

Being satisfied....and everything that comes with that.

This little post is not about the fun adventures we have went on recently or the new exciting things coming up in our lives. It's about an internal struggle I have had for several months now and one that finally came to peaceful resting place for me last night.

Lately everywhere I look are friends having babies. And not just having babies, but having second (or THIRD!) babies. They are expanding their families. Bringing more joy and love into their hearts and their homes. Their little ones are anxiously awaiting new brothers and sisters. There are baby showers, and growing bellies, and baby cuteness everywhere.

At the same time in my life Hensley is getting older. More independent (everything is "I can do it by myself!"). He doesn't "need" me as much as he once did. He can reach his snacks in the pantry. He can dress and undress himself now. He can play his videos games by himself. His little imagination is growing by leaps and bounds and I catch him playing his own little made up games or singing his own little made up songs all the time now.

I started to feel "the pressure" a while back. That maybe another baby is what my family needed. Hensley has so much love and attention from everyone I figured maybe it was time to throw another one in the mix. I went back and forth daily for months about the issue, keeping it to myself and one day really longing for one and the next day appreciating the fact that I just had one.

One day I was thinking how I loved our laid back life. The carefreeness of it and the fact that during "most" days I have my alone time and I am not totally and completely exhausted at the end of the day. I love that Hensley and I can pack up and go shopping all day or to the circus or the park for hours on end with no hesitation. We can decide to head to the beach for the weekend without much planning. Throw a huge birthday bash without having to consider there is another one to pay for and organize in a few months.

But then I see a new baby and remember the sweetness and amazing experience it is to have a newborn. I think about the fact that Hensley has been asking for a baby brother for months. And that I want him to have that bond with another little person for the rest of his life.

It's been a back and forth battle in my head. I finally shared it with Andy, which in return I got a pretty straightforward response of  "No!". This, of course, made me longing for one even more. I asked him daily. Told him all the great things having another one would bring. SLOWLY, he began to come around and it even got to the point where he said PROBABLY! That was huge!!!

I read countless blogs and web articles online about the difficulties and such of adding a second baby. I thought about the things in our house that would have to be rearranged and how the schedule would have to be reevaluated especially with Hensley attending school a lot more in the fall. But I let the new baby bliss cloud my mind and push any hard reality out.

Then....someone who really cares about me brought all that reality to the surface. Asked me to think about the realness of it and not just the newness and the happy parts. I have just been accepted back to college and set my mind on a program I was passionate about. I was preparing my mind for a lot of studying and reading while Hensley spends a lot more time in preschool in the fall. I was hoping to be in the hands-on part of school once Hensley entered kindergarten, and ready for jumping back into the word field soon after. I was preparing my life to be a comfortable one with both Andy and I working hard and being able to vacation and enjoy our little life with Hensley. I hadn't wanted to think about the fact that 4 (maybe 5) mornings a week I will be getting up early getting Hensley off to preschool (25 miles away) and then having to go back and get him every afternoon. I hadn't thought about the work to go through a pregnancy and newborn stage all the while having to provide for Hensley's needs and give him the attention he is use to and deserves. I hadn't thought about the fact that the possibility of me having the luxury to stay home until age 5 with another one was slim to none! All these thoughts just a few months ago and I wondered how did it all change so quickly in mind.

After hearing the reality of it from someone close my wheels started turning. I looked at things thoroughly. I started thinking about what I really wanted long term. And I came to a conclusion......

I am happy. I like the way things are. I like the plan we had originally set out for our future. I like the calmness (most of the time). I like our little family. I like us 3. I love the bond me and Hensley share because it is just us. I realized Hensley has a brother and sister even though they are only part time in our lives. He loves them and who is say they won't become a bigger part of our lives as time goes on. I like the times we have together and the love between us 3. I don't feel like part of me is missing or that my family isn't complete.

I realized I felt pressure. I felt like everyone around me was doing it. Everyone was having babies. So maybe I should too. I guess I felt left out a little. After looking at the big picture I realized that for now.... I only need 1. I am happy with 1. I am satisfied with having only one child.....and all that comes with that.

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