Friday, October 10, 2014

When Will I Learn to Fully Trust HIM

 **Warning! This blog is extremely personal and to the point. It's not something I usually write about on here but some things have happened and I wanted to not only share it but to write it down to remember it for myself.**

School has been rolling right along and I have been finding myself staying very busy catching up on housework, working on my blog, watching some YouTube, and doing a little fall shopping.....until this past week. The calendar was empty. EMPTY. There was no appointments, nothing that had to be done, no volunteering days. Nothing! I found out very quickly that I don't do well with a week full of nothing to do. I don't do well with a ton of free time. Time for my brain to think about things that usually get pushed far back in my mind is not good.

As the week went on the days started to all run together. It seemed that everyday was exactly same as the day before. Wake up. Get ready. Get Hensley to school. Come home. To be alone. And sit. Alone. All day.

Andy has been working out of town for the past month or two where he only can come home on Friday nights and he has to leave out again on Sunday mornings. So that's 6 days every week that it's just me and Hensley, and all day long it's just me. I guess with the newness of school and actually having alone time for the first time in three months I hadn't noticed it before now. Now I was lonely, and by the end of week I honestly felt depressed. For some reason I had no motivation to get up and keep myself busy. I could have went for a walk, or did some shopping. I could have had lunch with a friend or volunteered some place. But all I could do was sit around and feel alone and be sad. I had so much quiet time that I started to think of things that weren't my normal way of thinking. I started thinking that maybe we had made a mistake with deciding to only have one child. I started panicking about not being able to have anymore children. I felt the void of Hensley being gone and my mind immediately went to a place of wanting to try and fill that void. I began to think that my role in my family wasn't important anymore. Andy was away at work and Hensley was off at school and I was no longer as important in my mind. It was a sad time. It began to turn into a pretty dark time as well. I went days and days without talking to anyone but Hensley, and Andy for a few minutes in the evenings.

As a mom it feels like each day as Hensley grows bigger and more independent I am less important. As a mom life is constantly about "letting go". We go from carrying them at all times to helping them learn to walk and then one day letting go of their tiny hands to watch them take their first steps alone. There is a time at the playground where they always want to play with you and then suddenly one day they are interested in all the other little kids and they don't even realize you are there until it's time for a snack. Starting school a HUGE time to "let go". Even when Hensley started preschool it wasn't too hard. It was only for a few hours a day and it was easy to be very involved at school, there was a lot of interaction with teachers and other students there. We were sort of like a little family. I got to walk him in every morning, check out what he had drawn that week hanging on the wall. See his classroom "job" posted on a board. But Kindergarten is different. He now walks in alone every morning. Hopping out of the car each morning with a quick hug and a "Bye Mom!" without evening looking back. Eight hours a day being gone is a LONG time....for me. After 5 years of having all day, every single day with my boy to go on adventures and hang out, losing 40 hours a week without him is so very hard on me.

I had to learn that Hensley did not need me any less he just needed me differently now. I prayed and prayed on this over that week. Wondering how to handle it. Should I go back to work? Would this loneliness just be my new normal? Should I go back to school??

After a lot praying I decided I needed to go to church Sunday and instead of worrying and wondering and thinking, maybe I should just be still and listen.

So on Sunday Hensley and I headed off to church. Our pastor preached on 2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away, behold all things are new. " He taught on how once we finally learn to totally trust God and give all our cares, worries and problems to him we will be given a new life, new nature, and new freedom. During the service the pastor even spoke directly to me and the congregation about how myself and Hensley must have going through a tough time with all the recent changes in our lives and Hensley starting a new chapter by going to kindergarten. I was in awe. I had not mentioned it to him or anyone at church in any way, and he spoke directly to me. The message hit home with me so much. I have sitting around worrying and feeling alone when in fact I haven't been alone for one second. God has been with me every minute of every day. I realized I needed to stop trying to plan what was happening each and everyday and wonder what my future held and instead follow my heart and listen to God. I find myself doing this so much. I pray. I ask God to guide me and then I am too busy worrying and wondering to actually listen to his guidance.

I have decided that my new prayer will be, " “Just show me, Lord, and I’ll do what You want." I have decided to stop worrying about what my new "role" is and just listen. Go with my gut. Trust that God will lead me. I Trust Him. I trust the path I am on and the one he will lead me to. During church Sunday our pastor repeated something several times that stuck with me. We are always asking God for things and expecting them right then, expecting to get a response immediately. And when we don't get that immediate answer we feel defeat. We not only have to trust God will be there and give us answer but we have to trust in his timing.

I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.
Psalm 119:32

Later after the service the lady who runs the children's church came up to me with Hensley and arms full of goodies he had made. She looked me right in the eye and told me she had been praying for me for a while. That it had been on her heart to pray for me and that she knew I must be going through a big adjustment with Hensley going off to school. She asked how I was doing and after a brief conversation with her she hugged me tight and told me she would continue to pray. I was in awe that these two people whom I haven't talked to him a while and haven't mentioned a word about my stress and saddness to, knew that I was struggling. 

I seen this video a while back and I came across it again while writing this blog. The lady at the end said it best. This is my calling. This is my job. This is what I love to do and I will do it better and with love each and every day because my child counts on me and he loves me for what I'm doing. And that's really all that matters at the end of the day. He will always be my child. He will need me more at certain times in his life and at the times he doesn't need me as much I will take time to look at him and be proud of the boy I'm raising and how independent and confident he is. And when he needs me more I'll be there to comfort and encourage him (and to squeeze him extra tight and kiss all those freckles :)   


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